Session #11: Unrealistic Expectations in Marriage

Marriage is really hard work sometimes! Amidst a sea of unrealistic and unmet expectations, not communicating our needs, and have difficulty dealing with our differences – some days (and seasons) are just plain hard! In this session, Marlene gets REAL about what marriage really looks like sometimes between two sinners. How can we deal with selfishness, impatience, and other sins in our lives when it relates to our marriage? Join Marlene to discuss how we should handle all of this and more!

Session Notes

Three very real scenarios I’m sure we all struggle with daily.

Marriage is composed of two flawed individuals. Both sinners.

Neither is perfect, and neither lacks the need of Grace.

  • Through our marriage, God pulls us in closer to Him. Through his grace, wisdom (by getting in the word), and forgiveness.
  • Love of self will constantly get in the way, we’re flesh and we are sinners – saved by grace, but the work is still being done in us.
  • God’s grace, forgiveness, and wisdom is endless.

As long as we are two sinners within this marriage, there will be work to do. But in Him, we find the comfort to do this.

  • We are called to give grace to one another, and as we submerge ourselves in His word – we need to let that be our guide every moment of our marriage. And as we do, he rearranges our hearts, our priorities, and our life.
  • We need to look at scripture as a whole, not in bits and pieces.

And here’s why. Marriage isn’t just about marriage. It’s not just about saying “I’m married, this is my husband”. It’s about two sinners uniting as one. Two sinners in need of grace and forgiveness.

  • We can’t just look at the verses in scripture about marriage and expect those to be our total guide. The enter bible is what we need in our marriages, not just bits and pieces.
  • Our world is broken and flawed. Your marriage will not escape facing that reality. But with scripture you’ll be prepared to work through that season of life without destroying your marriage. Here’s a reality that may be hard for some to chew on.
  • You are right where God wants you to be.
  • What we go through in our marriage is because God is using these moments to work on something so deep in our hearts. He’s sanctifying us through all of these trials, all of these issues, and all of these grieving moments when we feel so disappointed in the messiness of our marriage. He’s working through those circumstances to change you, to draw you in nearer to Him.
  • Don’t Take it personally

Instead of showing grace, looking for ways to help the other, for ways to understand, we lash out. Maybe it’s not in a raised voice, maybe it’s in a passive aggressive way.

  • God is not far from you, from your spouse, from your marriage. He IS right there, but HE is right there with you. Turn to HIM and let him guide your steps.
  • He authors it, he’s telling our story, not us.
  • Everything you are, everything your spouse is – God designed to be that way
  • Understanding comes through acceptance.
  • Now, to be clear – there is a difference in accepting quality and personally and interests….and sin. Sin must be addressed, sin cannot go un-checked or it will fester and grow into a monster.
  • Celebrate who your husband is, take an interest in it.
  • Learn to respect what God has created.
  • So what do you do when you hit a wall, an issue that’s brought on by a difference between you and your spouse?
  • Don’t lock up and don’t ignore it. Don’t fight for your way. When you do this, you are pushing against God first and foremost, your husband is just your perceived target.
  • What’s going on now is just part of Gods plan for something so much greater, an eternity with Him.

“What causes quarrels and what causes fights among you? Is it not this that your passions are at war within you?” - James 4:1

  • Don’t get lazy.
  • Let go of expectations.
  • Be patient and humble.
  • Embrace the differences.
  • What happens when a conflict or concern begins to itch and we realize it’s something that should, or needs to be discussed?
  • Take some times to think and pray.

“When words are many, transgression is not lacking, but whoever restrains his lips is prudent.” Proverbs 10:19

“Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him.” Proverbs 29:20

“She opens her mouth with wisdom, and the teaching of kindness is on her tongue.” Proverbs 31:26

  • Don’t become a continual drip

“A continual dripping on a rainy day and a quarrelsome wife are alike;” Proverbs 27:15

  • Don’t bottle it up inside either.

“It is better to live in a desert land than with a quarrelsome and fretful woman.” Proverbs 21:19

  • Know when timing is best.

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